After an incredibly long day of waiting (not so) patiently, I finally got the call from Dr T's office at 3:15pm. And the words I heard on the other end of the phone are some I never want to hear ever again.
I lost the babies.
My HCG level dropped to 5.
I am to stop all medications and should start my period in the next few days.
It's hard to describe how I'm feeling right now...but I'll try to sum it up as best I can. I am extremely sad, feeling like I lost something that I didn't quite have time to enjoy. I am shocked at how I can be carrying something so special one day and then just lose it the next. But above all else, I am overwhelmed with the love and peace the Father has poured into me over the last few hours.
God has a plan. There is a reason those snow babies were not supposed to be born. Although we don't know exactly what that reason is, it doesn't matter. It's not our job to question why. God knows the details of His plan; He wrote the blueprint, and He built the foundation. All we can do is trust that His plan is better than our own, and that He will see it through till the end. And when we finally see exactly what He has in store for us, I know this horrible part of our journey will be entirely worth it.
As I said earlier, I feel like things ended too early...before we really got to celebrate and enjoy the thought of being parents. But I know in my heart that the Lord ended the pregnancy in accordance to His perfect timing...before we heard a heartbeat, before I felt any movement. But He allowed us the joy of knowing the babies had implanted and seeing a positive test, which, to me, is a milestone. And a major blessing.
This one verse has been on my mind all day, and it perfectly describes this unfortunate situation: "The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away; blessed be the name of the Lord." (Job 1:21) I will continue to praise God for the good and the bad...no matter what. He is not finished with me yet, and our journey to parenthood is far from over.
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