Ugh.

Good ole' Aunt Flo has arrived.  She brought along with her the most horrible cramps I have ever experienced...how sweet of her.  How can she not get the hint that she's not welcome??  And how come she never brings chocolate or some Midol?? Geez...

Today has been a difficult one for me...mainly because this period reminds me that the door to this pregnancy is officially closing.  However, I am trying to focus on this little nugget of wisdom: "When God closes one door, He opens another."  So, even during this time of of sadness and grieving, God's faithfulness fills me with hope of what's to come.

Well, I am now going to take some more Aleve and cuddle up with my lovely heating pad...hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

I'm Still Here!

Hey guys!  Sorry I didn't get a chance to post yesterday, but I promise I'm okay!  Just feeling a little "blah"...tired, sad, achy (why, I'm not sure), weepy, and, of course, dreading this visit from the infamous Aunt Flo that is due to arrive any time now.  Luckily I am off work this weekend, so I will get to rest, re-coop, and pray about where God wants us to go from here!  I promise I'll post when I know more about our "next steps" in this infertility journey...so stay tuned!

Before I say goodnight, I wanted to share this verse with y'all.  Several people have messaged me this verse over the last two days, and it couldn't be more perfect.  It's exactly what I need to (and am aiming to) do!  "Wait for the Lord...be of good courage and He will strengthen your heart; yes, wait on the Lord." (Psalm 27:14)  I'm waiting, Father! :)

Second Beta

After an incredibly long day of waiting (not so) patiently, I finally got the call from Dr T's office at 3:15pm.  And the words I heard on the other end of the phone are some I never want to hear ever again.

I lost the babies.

My HCG level dropped to 5.

I am to stop all medications and should start my period in the next few days.

It's hard to describe how I'm feeling right now...but I'll try to sum it up as best I can.  I am extremely sad, feeling like I lost something that I didn't quite have time to enjoy.  I am shocked at how I can be carrying something so special one day and then just lose it the next.  But above all else, I am overwhelmed with the love and peace the Father has poured into me over the last few hours.

God has a plan.  There is a reason those snow babies were not supposed to be born.  Although we don't know exactly what that reason is, it doesn't matter.  It's not our job to question why.  God knows the details of His plan; He wrote the blueprint, and He built the foundation.  All we can do is trust that His plan is better than our own, and that He will see it through till the end.  And when we finally see exactly what He has in store for us, I know this horrible part of our journey will be entirely worth it.

As I said earlier, I feel like things ended too early...before we really got to celebrate and enjoy the thought of being parents.  But I know in my heart that the Lord ended the pregnancy in accordance to His perfect timing...before we heard a heartbeat, before I felt any movement.  But He allowed us the joy of knowing the babies had implanted and seeing a positive test, which, to me, is a milestone.  And a major blessing.

This one verse has been on my mind all day, and it perfectly describes this unfortunate situation:  "The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away; blessed be the name of the Lord." (Job 1:21)  I will continue to praise God for the good and the bad...no matter what.  He is not finished with me yet, and our journey to parenthood is far from over.

Waiting...

So here we are again.  Waiting for tomorrow morning to come.  Waiting for my second beta.  Waiting to get the call with the news we've been hoping for for the last two years.  Waiting, waiting, waiting...(sigh)

Well, while we wait, there's nothing better we could do than praise the Lord and His awesomeness, right?  I was listening to some of my "Jesus Jams" (my favorite praise music) this morning, and ever since then, two songs in particular keep replaying over and over in my head.  Here are some of my favorite verses from them:

"Indescribable, uncontainable. 

You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.

You are amazing, God.

All powerful, untamable.

Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim...

You are amazing, God."

-Indescribable, Chris Tomlin

"I'm waiting.

I'm waiting on You, Lord.

And I am hopeful.

I'm waiting on You, Lord.

Those it's not easy...

But patiently, I will wait...

While I'm waiting...

I will serve You.

While I'm waiting...

I will worship.

While I'm waiting...

I will not faint.

I'll be running the race...

Even while I wait."

-While I'm Waiting, John Waller

A-maz-ing.  These are powerful reminders of not only how powerful our God is, but also of how we can serve Him while waiting for His plan to unfold! I will definitely be repeating these verses to myself tomorrow while I wait in anticipation for God to show me the path He wants me to follow.  Please continue to pray for us, for our snow babies, for God's will to be done, and for continual peace, no matter what the outcome.  Thank you, guys---we love you all!

The Results Are In...

I know you guys have all been pins and needles waiting for the results, and I'm sorry I've taken so long to post them!  It's been a long, emotional day, to say the least.  But (finally) here's the news we've all been waiting for...

My beta HCG level this morning was 23.  Yes, people, that means that I am p-r-e-g-n-a-n-t!  (Happy dance!  Do the happy dance!) HOWEVER...my level is considered low for this stage in the game (Dr T would like around 50), which could mean nothing...or it could mean I am going to miscarry.

As heartbreaking as it is to think of that possible outcome, I am thankful that God has gotten us this far.  I have never in my life been able to say I am pregnant, and it still sounds foreign to me now!  God has enabled me to feel (even if for a short while) what it is like to have something growing inside me...and the feeling is indescribable!  So, although I am hesitant to celebrate too much too soon, I am praising God for the beautiful blessing He has given my husband and I today!

Now, I'm not gonna lie...today has been a doozy.  I have been through many emotions in such a short time frame, many of which I would like to never feel again.  But the one emotion I am clinging to is hope.  I am trying my hardest to be positive, optimistic, and hopeful about our second beta, because although my level is "low", I know my God is much bigger than any number!  My God is in charge of this entire situation, and He already knows the outcome.  He can completely change the direction of this path in the blink of an eye if He wants to.  I can't, but MY GOD can.  I am praying fervently that He continues to grow this blessing into a beautiful, healthy baby...but if it is not in His will for us to be parents yet, I pray He blesses us with the peace, comfort, and love to get through this loss.  Please continue to pray with me!

So, the next step is for me to go back Wednesday morning to have my level rechecked (Dr T would like to see them at least rising, if not doubling by then).  You know what that means?? You guessed it: more waiting and agonizing over the call Wednesday afternoon!  Ugh---this is the most nail-biting TWW ev-errrr!! But if God wants to take a little longer to perfect my miracles, then so be it!  Take all the time you need, Lord! :)

*Side Note: For those of you who are friends of mine or my husband's on FB, please do not post any comments about these results on our walls.  Feel free to send messages, texts, emails, or leave comments though!  We are wanting to wait to make it "FB official" until we know everything is headed in the right direction!  Thank you all!

T-minus One Day Till Beta Day!

I.  Cannot.  Wait.  Until.  Tomorrow.

I can't believe that tomorrow afternoon, I could be getting a phone call that could change mine and my husband's life forever!  Eeeeeek!!  I think this is one of the only times I am actually eager for Monday morning to get here! lol

As far as symptoms go...so far, today has been better than yesterday, and I'd like to keep it that way!  I started having more intermittent, dull (but rather painful) cramps after blogging yesterday, accompanied by little dots of very light brown spotting throughout the day.  As of right now, both the cramps and the spotting are a no-show, and (Lord willing) I hope they stay gone for the next nine months! ;)

Well, now that we've completed the "Symptom Update", what do you say we have a little "Spiritual Update"?? :)  I was reading my devotional this morning, and, once again, God had the perfect message laid out just for me! Here's a little (paraphrased) excerpt from it (entitled "Hope"):

"I am your risen, living Savior!  Through My resurrection, you have been born again to an ever-living hope.  It is vital for you to remain hopefully, no matter what if going on in your life.  People put their hope in a variety of things---wealth, power, health, medical treatments---but those are all insufficient.  When storms break upon your life, you can find only one adequate source of help: Me!...I am not only ever-living, but also more abundantly alive than you can possibly imagine.  There are no limits to what My great Power and Glory can accomplish!  I can change the most "hopeless" situation into outright victory!" -Jesus Lives, by Sarah Young

As if that isn't heart-string-pulling enough, here is one the verses that goes along with today's devotional:

"...Those who hope in Me will not be disappointed." (Isaiah 49:23)

Ahhh...I love it when God speaks right to me!  He never fails to sense what I need (in this case, a reminder of the hope I have in Him!), and He delivers on time, every time!  Thank you, Father!

Now....come ooooooooon, Beta Day!  I'm ready for ya! 

Turning a "Crisis" Into "Confidence"

Last night I started spotting.  Yes, spotting.

It started after eating some Mexican for dinner.  I started to feel some dull cramps that lasted for about two hours (I thought maybe "the babies" didn't like Mexican, which is cray cray because it's my favorite!), and that's when I noticed the two small spots on my pantiliner.  It wasn't bright red (like a normal period would be), or even pink; it was (major TMI alert!) light brown, like what you might see at the end of your period, and there were only those two spots the size of a dime.

I started praying that God protect whatever was inside of me, and that if it was His will, He would allow my two snow babies to continue to grow.  Feeling a little more at peace, I went to bed early, and the cramps stopped altogether.

When I awoke early this morning needing to use the bathroom, I was a little leery to look at the pantiliner, afraid of what I might see.  There wasn't any more on the pad (huge sigh of relief), but when I wiped...there was more of the very light brown stuff.  There were no cramps this time, which made me feel a little better about the situation, but I continued to spot (just a little) over the next thirty minutes or so.  I went back to bed and laid there, trying not to focus on what might be happening.

**Side Note: Now, I'm sure you're probably wondering what this spotting could mean...some women have what they call "implantation bleeding", which is when the embryo burrows into the uterine lining.  This can cause cramps (sometimes as painful as menstrual cramps), pinching, or sharp pains...but some women don't feel a thing!  Some times, after the embryo has gotten all cozy in there, some of the lining is shed, which comes out as spotting or light bleeding.  Usually, the color of the spotting is brown or pink (because it's old blood that is closer to the uterine wall), but occasionally, it can be bright red and lead women to believe they're starting their cycle.  I know this all sounds like great, promising news, doesn't it?  Well, it can be a good sign, but it can also mean absolutely nothing.  Implantation bleeding doesn't always lead to a healthy baby, or even a pregnancy.  The embryo could try to implant and then become detached somehow, causing a miscarriage.  It is possible for the spotting to be the sign of either an early miscarriage (called a "chemical pregnancy"), or it could be the beginning of a women's normal period.**

While I was laying there, I started to pray again.  This is what I said: "Lord, I don't know what's going on in here, but You do.  I don't know what is going to come of all this, but You do.  I can't change the future worrying about what's happening and what will happen, because You already have my future all planned out.  I just pray that whatever happens, You give me peace and comfort to make it through.  Whatever happens, I want to thank You for allowing me the opportunity to house these perfect little embryos inside me for the last nine days...thank You for allowing me to get this far.  Please remove these negative thoughts from my mind, and replace them with peace.  I choose to trust in You wholeheartedly, and that means in EVERY moment of this journey, even the super scary moments.  No matter what happens, I will give You the honor, the glory, and the praise.  Amen."

After saying this prayer, I cannot tell you how much better I felt!  I am completely confident that God is still in control, and that He will see me over this hurdle and continue me on the path toward Motherhood!

As of right now, there has been no more spotting (it stopped shortly after praying), and no cramping.  I am feeling some pressure and occasional sharp pains, but nothing too bad.  So my plan is to take it very easy today, stay off of Google, and let God continue His masterpiece!  I am not going to dwell on the spotting, cramping, or anything else I might be feeling, but instead focus on staying calm, relaxed, and faithful that God's not finished with me yet!

P.S: Two more days!!!!

Four More Days...

...till we find out if these little guys decided to stick with me for the next nine months (and then the next eighteen years! lol)! Ahhhh!  Hurry up, Monday!

I'm 7dp5dt (or 12dpo) today.  Still feeling optimistic; still trusting in my God!  I have had a few possible "symptoms" the last few days, but I'm still not sure if it's too early to be feeling this stuff.  It's very possible these could all be due to the medications OR just my wishful thinking...or both! But regardless, here's my list of symptoms for you all to critique:

-Exhaustion (although I have been working hard the last two days I've been back at work)

-Nausea, but no vomiting (mostly when my stomach is growling)

-Decreased appetite (nothing sounds good!)

-Sensitivity to smells (trash, food, body wash, wounds...)

-Pinching/pressure in the uterus department (more pressure now with intermittent "pinches"...I like to think of these as "snow-baby kisses", lol)

-Weird dreams (I won't go into detail about the VERY strange dream I had last night, but I will say I was pregnant with twins---eek!!)

-CBF...AKA: Chronic Brain Farts (example: yesterday I was drawing a patient's blood and went to write her name on the vial.  Her daughter was watching TV and mentioned something about Kim Kardashian, so...I proceeded to write "Kim Kardashian" and my patient's birthday on the vial.  Try to explain THAT to the lab people! lol)

That's about it!  Y'all feel free to let me know what you think! ;)  And please keep praying for our precious little miracles!

Side Note: I have had multiple people ask me if I plan on taking a HPT before Monday.  Well, my husband is very insistent that I don't.  He said he would hate to see me upset if it's negative (although that could be a false negative...hmmm...), or positive and then something happen before the beta....soooo, as much as I want to POAS, I'm going to resist the urge a little longer!  But trust me, folks, this is NOT easy! Lol!

Well Duuuuh.....

I totally forgot to tell you guys what my progesterone and estrogen levels were from yesterday!  I knew I was forgetting something earlier---sorry!  I blame it on hormone-brain, lol.

P4 (Progesterone)= 27

E2 (Estrogen) = 323

Not too shabby, right??  The P4 isn't quite 10% of the E2, which would be the "ideal balance" (per Dr T), but his nurse said these numbers are "just fine", but that he still wanted to bump up my progesterone shot to 1.5mL (instead of 1mL) every night.  Can do, Capt'n!

(Disclaimer to my fellow IVFers: 1.5mL hurts a bit more than 1mL...okay, quite a bit more.  I developed a knot in my tush---all medication---and had to rub it for quite a while so the medicine would disperse. Ouch.  But remember...we're doing it for our future babies!!)

Now, even though the numbers sounded okay...in my hormonal state, I miiight have had a minor breakdown after I hung up with the nurse.  I know, I know, get a grip, woman! lol  My husband immediately asked what was wrong and I said that if the levels were "just fine", then why is he increasing the meds??  Apparently it's not "just fine"!  Wow, I've officially gone bananas, haven't I??

Buuut...after taking a second to pray about it (which always helps to change my perspective!), and after googling "normal" levels at this stage in the game (P4 should be >20, while E2 should be >100, and both should continue to rise once the embryo implants), I managed to calm down.  I reminded myself that GOD grew these little miracles from microscopic little follicles, HE kept them healthy while in the freezer and during the thaw, HE transferred them safely into my womb, and HE would take care of the rest!  After all, nothing is impossible with God!

Needless to say, I'm all better now!  Sometimes we all just need a little reminder of who's in charge! ;)

5dp5dt and Still Going Strong!

Just checkin' in...

I'm still feeling wonderful!  I'm not having any mentionable symptoms (except for the mysterious "pinches" every now and then, and crying while watching "Snow White and the Huntman" with my husband...I know, I'm crazy).  Today is my last day off...I can't say I'm ready to go back to work tomorrow, but who is, right? Oh well, guess I've got to work while I can---Lord knows what's in store for me if I do end up preggers! ;) Not to mention, the sooner I finish these three days of work, the sooner the much anticipated "Beta Day" (Monday morning) will get here!!

My sweet MIL came over this morning (with decaf coffee in hand) and watched "What To Expect When You're Expecting" with me...SUPER cute movie!  It'll make you laugh, it'll make you cry...just what a hormonal woman needs right now! Scenes for every mood! lol Anyway, it was a great way to spend my last morning off!

Now I'm just going to relax with the hubs and enjoy this rainy day!  But before I go...here's a good verse to keep in mind as we wait (and pray!) for Beta Day: "Many are the plans of a man's heart, but it's the Lord's will that prevails." (Proverbs 19:21) I know I've used that verse in my post before, but it is still as true as ever, and keeps my faith alive! :)

Update and a Soapbox Speech

Well, here we are, "4dp5dt", and there is really nothing new to report!  I did have that "pinching" I mentioned before again yesterday...it started in the evening and continued until I went to bed, and then it started again when I got up this morning.  I told my MIL, "If this is those little babies trying to get cozy, they sure are some persistent little boogers!" lol!  But rather than the pinching (which really doesn't hurt, it's just distracting), all is well in Baby Making Land! :)

I had my appointment this morning to have my progesterone (and estrogen, apparently) drawn.  I won't know the results of that until this afternoon, but the phlebotomist said if my level is off (my progesterone should be about 10% of the estrogen level at this point), Dr T will just adjust my medications.  Works for me, just as long as we get those numbers where they should be!

Ok, now I'm going to jump on my soapbox here for a minute...I hope y'all don't mind! ;) On my time off, I've been reading a lot of blogs from other women going through infertility...and I have to tell you, a lot of these women make me so sad!  It's not that they don't get their BFP in the end (I mean, some of them end up with twins or triplets!), but it's their lack of faith throughout the whole process that just breaks my little pea-pickin' heart!  Many of them are extremely negative about every little thing that happens, cuss frequently (come on now---what if the kids you've fought so hard to conceive read your blog one day??), or say things like, "I guess 'the universe' just didn't align for us this year".  Wow.  If they just had Jesus in their hearts and in their lives, I bet you it would totally change their perspective on this whole journey!

Now, I know infertility can be draining...trust me, I KNOW.  Been there, done that, have the t-shirt to prove it (okay, I don't have a t-shirt, but I need one! lol).  And yes, I've had times in the beginning when I have been down or in a dark place because things weren't happening the way I thought they should.  But when you give it ALL to the Lord and let Him be the one in charge (not you---I know, gasp!), and when you ask Him to do His will in your life (no matter what that may bring), you begin to actually see His plan unfolding right before your eyes!  And the things He can show you, the things He can do through you, and the things He can bless you with are...(in one word---my favorite word, you might have figured out) a-maz-ing!!

**Getting off soapbox now**

Whew.  I don't know about you guys, but that just blessed my socks right off! LOL

3dp5dt

I know, it looks like an algebra equation, doesn't it??  Don't worry, we're not going to be doing any more math, but this is going to more of an "educational post" (since I have nothing better to do while we wait for our snow babies to get comfy!)...so get ready for some fun! ;)

This "equation" is actually what us TTC gals use as an indication of where we are in our TWW (Two Week Wait; or time in between the transfer and the pregnancy test).  Let me explain what my current jumble of letters and numbers mean:

3dp5dt = "3 days past a 5 day transfer"

When they put our snow babies back, they were five days old, which means we had a "five day transfer" done, hence the second number.  It's been three days since the transfer, so that's where the first number comes in.  Tomorrow, I will be 4dp5dt, and when I test the following Monday, I will be 11dp5dt.  Making any sense at all?  Hope I'm not making it too confusing!

In a "normal" cycle (a non-IVF/FET cycle), where a women is in her TWW is represented as "dpo" (Days Past Ovulation, or when the egg was released).  Someone who had an IUI done (like we did before) would have the sperm put in on the day she ovulates, and then she would count down the days until either a) her period would be due, or b) she could get a positive test (usually around 13 or 14dpo). Embryos usually implant into the uterus around 6-10dpo, and then they begin to secrete that hormone we talked about before (HCG), which can be detected in the blood a few days later (and then in the urine a few days after that).  

Since we did IVF and then a FET, I technically didn't "ovulate", but instead, my eggs were removed from my ovaries and fertilized, just like they would have been in a normal cycle; it was just done outside my body and with a little guidance!  So, the day my eggs were removed can be also be counted as the day I ovulated.  Since our embies were frozen and then transferred at five days old, and since it's been three days since the transfer, I am technically 8dpo...which means the little ones should be snuggling in for the long nine month ride right about...NOW! If not already! :)  Eek!!!

Ok, enough teaching...let's talk symptoms! lol  I am still feeling grrrrreat---PTL! I really haven't had a ton of symptoms, other than the off and on (very mild) cramps/pressure and being tired.  In previous cycles, I had a million "symptoms" and felt pretty poorly the whole TWW, but I honestly think a lot of those were side effects of the HCG trigger-shots (which make you feel very pregnant, no lie) and Progesterone pills (which also made me queasy, bloated, and have sore tah-tahs).  I'm sooo blessed to be feeling good this cycle, and to not have all of those "faux pregnancy symptoms"!  Now I can hopefully focus on the REAL symptoms when (and if) they come! ;)

I am still keeping my trust fully in God and His plan, and we pray every day that, if it's His timing, He will bless us with a healthy little one (or two...we wouldn't complain, lol).  It's hard to believe, but in just eight days, we will finally find out what God has in store for us!! Y'all keep praying, please! 

One Day Down, Ten More To Go!

It's hard to believe it's already been more than a day since the transfer!  Even though I'm laid up here in my chair, time is flying by!  Hopefully September 24th with be here before we know it!

I'm still feeling great, and I'm happy to say my headache finally went away---thank the good Lord!  So far today, I have only had a few dull cramps and a couple of "pinches" in my lower abdomen, but no major pains, bleeding, fever, etc.  Although I do have to say, things are a bit sore...umm...there (which I guess should be expected, with all the poking and prodding that went on yesterday!).  Gee, thanks a lot, Dr T! lol But overall, I'm a-okay! I told a good friend of mine, "I can't see anything happening, but I know God is doing something in there!" What an awesome feeling that is! 

I go back Monday morning at 9am to have my progesterone drawn.  (Progesterone is one of the hormones that helps sustain a pregnancy, and it's the hiney-shot I've been taking for almost a week and will continue to take throughout the whole first trimester if I am pregnant.)  Depending on what my level is, I may have to increase the dose of the shot I take (I currently take 50mg, which is 1mL).  Unfortunately, they can't tell if I'm pregnant by this level, so I'll have to wait until the HCG is drawn the following Monday.  Bummer!  lol

I'll keep you all updated on my progress, symptoms, and whatnot, although I'm TRYING not to be Crazy-Symptom-Seeker-Lady like I was after our IUI's!  Guess I'd better keep myself well occupied for the next ten days then, huh? Good thing I have lots of TLC's "Baby Stories" recorded! ;)

A Glimpse At Our Miracles

I finally figured out how to add pictures to my blog!  Yaaaaay!  I admit, I'm a little technologically slow, lol.  But, nevertheless, I did it, and I'm proud to say...

These are our snow babies!!!!  "AA" is on the left, and "BC" is on the right!  (Those letters are explained in the post I entered a few minutes ago.)  Gorgeous, aren't they??  Ahhhhh, I'm so in love already! :)

"We" Made It!

Yes, I said we, as in my two beautiful (in utero) snow babies and I!  That has a nice ring to it, don't ya think?? ;) We are home safe and sound and feeling great!

Here's what happened this morning:

Dr T spoke with my MIL and I first (she was my moral support today since my husband had to work---PTL for her!).  He let us know they thawed two embies and they both survived the freeze/thaw process beautifully.  He showed us pictures of them (we both were tickled pink to see them looking so healthy and happy! lol), and gave us "grades", or quality, of each.  One is bigger than the other because it is slightly further along in the developmental process, and it is already trying to "hatch out" of it's little shell (more on hatching later).   It gets graded as an AA.  The other is smaller (but still gorgeous!), still very healthy, but not at the same stage and needed helping hatching out (called "assisted hatching", which is done by using a laser to make a tiny hole in the shell).  It's graded with a BC.  Dr T was very pleased with our snow babies, and he thinks they both have an equally great chance of surviving once in the womb!  Yay!

So, next I was taken back to the same area where the egg retrieval was done back in June.  I had to strip down and put on that very attractive gown again (note the sarcasm, lol).  Luckily there were no IV's or anything this time, since there was no sedation, so once I was beautified, I was taken back to the operating room for the procedure.

I'll save y'all the gross details, but once "in position", the embryologist came in with our little ones and assisted Dr T in verrrrrrrrry slowly guiding the syringe through my cervix, into my uterus, and then dropping the kiddos off in the predetermined perfect spot!  They have be extremely careful not to touch my uterine wall, because any bleeding or cramping of the uterus can cause the embryos to be flushed out.  (Umm, no thank you!  I have a little time invested in those puppies; I'd like to keep them, please! lol)  But he did a fab job, and there was no bleeding or cramping---thank God!  It was AMAZING to get to see this tedious process...the precision it takes, and the care and concentration of Dr T and his crew.  They are all so wonderful!  Once they put the embies in my uterus, they had to check the syringe under a microscope to make doubly sure one didn't get left behind (it didn't, but if it did, they would just have to go back in again), and then the hard part was over!  None of this was extremely painful, except for the pinch of the speculum and when he enters the cervix, but after all the procedures we've done in the last two years, I'm used to this discomfort and hardly even flinch any more! ;)

Next, Dr T surprised me (literally, I was not expecting it AT ALL) by telling me, "Ok, I'm going to drain your bladder now with a catheter."  Now, I'm a nurse, and I have to cath people all the time, but I've never had one put in ME!  Now I know exactly what they're feeling!  Ouch!  It's not fun, that's all I'm gonna say! lol  Once my bladder was drained, which I was thankful for since it had to be full for the procedure and I was busting at the seams, I was ready to be taken back to recovery, where I stayed with my tush elevated on a wedge for thirty long minutes.

After my thirty minutes were up, I received my discharge instructions (bedrest for three days, no stress, no tub baths, no sexy time, and keep on my same medicine except start a baby aspirin tomorrow), and was free to go!

So, here I am again, inhabiting the big fluffy chair in our living room!  I have a huge stack of magazines, some Kindle books, and some shows on the DVR---I'm all set for the next three days!

Everyone's been asking how I feel, and, honestly, I feel great!  I have a small headache from having the stand on my head for thirty minutes (lol), but no pain, cramping, spotting, or anything like that!  I am completely relaxed and ready to let these embies do their thing now that they're back in familiar territory!

So, what's next??  The next two days, the embryos will continue to hatch out of their shells.  Once they do, they'll (hopefully) latch onto my uterine wall (which was nice and plush today--PTL!) and start to implant!  The implantation process takes a few days, and then when they're burrowed nice and deep into the lining, they will start to secrete the hormone HCG, which is what is detected in a pregnancy test.  I'll have my blood pregnancy test drawn eleven days from now...which means September 24th could be the day we find out if we're expecting!  Eeeek!  Technically, I could attempt a HPT before the eleven days are up, but these tests tend to only detect higher levels of HCG (think 25 mIU in the HPT as opposed to 1 mIU in a blood test), so it may be wiser for me to fight the urge to POAS and just wait for the 24th!  I can do this; I can be strong...I hope! lol

Before I get back to my couch-potato activities, can I just take a minute and praise God for all He has done and all He is doing??  The peace and comfort He gives His children, the skill and knowledge He blesses the doctors with, the miracle of conception itself...our Father never ceases to amaze me, and I know there are only more blessings to come!  It's mind-boggling, really!  All I can do is thank Him for getting us this far, keeping us strong and focused, and for allowing us to a part of something so miraculous and precious!  Man, GOD IS GOOD! :)

P.S.  Thank you all for the prayers!!!  I could honestly feel the outpouring of love in your texts, emails,  and comments, and I know God was/is answering your prayers, even as we speak!  Ahh, It's enough to make a hormonal girl cry! lol  I love you all, and I am so grateful for my little prayer warriors!

P.S.S.  New countdown: T-minus eleven days!  Yippy!!  

Guess What???

It's heeeeeeeeeeeere!  The Big Day has arrived!  Gaaah!

I have a few minutes until I need to start getting ready, and, of course, I can't sleep any longer, so I wanted to write a quick post to let you all know how I feeling this morning...

I'll tell you what, I am what us southern people like to call a "hot mess"! LOL I cried last night when my husband prayed for us, I cried this morning when I saw the amazingly sweet card from him sitting on the counter (just sitting there, it didn't have to do anything to provoke tears, lol), then I REALLY started blubbering like a baby when I read what he had to say!  God sure did know what he was doing when he sent my hubby to me almost seven years ago, and I am so utterly grateful to have him by my side through this whole experience!

Even though I am crying at the drop of a hat (I'd better pull it together for Dr T, huh?  No bawling allowed while in stirrups! haha), it's nothing but happy tears!  I am overflowing with the love and peace that only my God can give---what an amazing feeling!

I still wouldn't say I'm "worried" about today's events.  I am just a wee bit antsy to get things started, but mainly giddy with anticipation and excitement!  I know that no matter what happens today, God will supply all my needs! He keeps putting this verse in my head to stress that point: Philippians 4:19 says, "My God will supply all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus".  How comforting is that?!

Another verse that has been stuck in my head since last night is Philippians 4:6, which says, "Be anxious about nothing, but in everything, through prayer and petition, and with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to the Lord."  Basically, give it to God!  And that's exactly what I'm doing!

Now, time to go get ready!  Please, please, please, be praying!  (Why do I even ask?? I know y'all will! ;) )

Tomorrow...

For those of you who don't know the implications of tomorrow...

Tomorrow is The Big Day.

Tomorrow could potentially change our lives forever.

Tomorrow could be the day that begins the final leg of this two year journey to parenthood.

Tomorrow is the day I will be reunited with two (or three) of our precious "snow babies"...God's little miracles.

Tomorrow is totally in God's hands...and if tomorrow doesn't turn out as we hope and pray it will, we will know that it wasn't in God's flawless plan for us at this time...and that will be okay.

Tomorrow is the FET...and it's just a mere fourteen hours away!  Eeeeeeeek!

I Got the Call!

Guess who got their transfer time for this Thursday???? That's right....ME!!  Ahhhhhhh!

Here are the details:

I have to be there at 9:15am.  I will have a brief consult with Dr T before the procedure to look at pictures of my snow babies (that's my new nickname for them---cute, huh? Lol) and discuss grades/qualities.  We will pick out the best TWO embryos (or three, if the quality is not quite as good...but we're hoping to stick to just two!), and those will be the lucky "winners" who get to go home we me that day! :)

I have to make sure to have a full bladder for the procedure, because this makes it easier for them to visualize my uterus on the tummy ultrasound.  I've heard this can be rather painful, because the nurse is pushing on your bladder while you're trying not to tinkle on yourself or the doctor...but I'm going to pray it's better than described! lol

I have to lay with my hips raised in the office (just like when I had the IUI's) for at least thirty minutes after the transfer, and then I get to go home and lay in bed for three days straight!  Whoop whoop!  No complaining here! ;)  After that, I plan on being a couch potato until it's time to go back to work next Wednesday...quite the plan, wouldn't you say?  I'm looking so forward to it!

In preparation for The Big Day, I have scheduled a relaxing massage after work tomorrow to help remove all of the tension and stress of the last few weeks.  I am soooo excited about this---I'm a sucker for massages!

So, now that all of the details are squared away...can I ask all my readers, family, and friends for a huge favor??  Please continue to pray!  Now, I know most of you are working at 9:15am on a Thursday, but if you have a spare moment...please stop and say a prayer for peace, safety, and God's will to be done.  Thank you all in advance, and thank you so much for lifting us up to Him on a daily basis!

I've Become a Walking Pharmacy

Hey guys!  Just popping in real quick to fill you in on my new medication regimen.  I hope you're taking notes cause there will be a quiz at the end of this process. ;)

Last night was the last of the Lupron shots and I literally just started my Progesterone (1mL, in the butt) about ten minutes ago.  My sweet husband lovingly administered this shot, and I do have to admit, he did a great job!  If I remember correctly from the last cycle, the few first doses of this were the worst because both sides of my rear were sore (like I'd done a hundred lunges), but then it got better after that.  I sure hope the same is true this time, because if we do end up pregnant after the transfer, I'll be continuing these shots throughout the entire first trimester!  That's over ninety shots in the tush...yikes!

I am also still taking the estradiol pills (two pills, two times a day).  The nurse said I will continue these throughout the first trimester, too.  I swear, between the vitamins, thyroid medication, estradiol, antibiotic courses, and stool softeners (sorry, TMI), I have more pills in my pill box (yes, I have to use a pill box...don't laugh) than some of my elderly patients!  Geesh! lol

Well, that's it for the meds...for now!  T-minus five days, folks!  I am very excited that tomorrow morning I will be able to say "The FET is THIS week!"  Eeeeeeek!

My New Motto

So the last two days have been a tad bit stressful around here...

It started when I received a text from my mom at 1:30am Thursday morning saying my dad was being admitted to the hospital because he was having heart palpitations and getting very dizzy, even when he was lying down.  (He has had those palpitations for some time now, but the doctor could never figure out what was causing them and was never able to actually see them on the heart monitor.)  She had taken him to the ER and they were able to capture his strange heart rhythms, with rates ranging from 155 to 37 (yikes).  They decided to transfer him to another hospital where his cardiologist could see him.  She included the words, "I don't want to alarm you..." in the text, which, of course, alarmed me! Needless to say, it took a while for me to go back to sleep.

She then called me at 5:30am to let me know he was safely in his room and what they had already given him medicine wise and what they were planning on doing until the cardiologist could get there in the morning.  She told me she would keep me updated on how he was feeling and what the doctor said.  I hung up feeling more uneasy than after the text, and had to take a minute and give it to God. He placed this simple phrase on my heart, which I am now adopting as my new motto: "I can't, but God can".  After saying a prayer and silently repeating these words over and over, I began to feel that peace that only comes from the Lord...it's amazing what talking to the Father can do for you!

As it turns out, my dad needed a pacemaker to help keep his heart rate from dipping too low, and medications to keep the rhythm "normal" and within a safe range.  He had the pacemaker placed today, and (PTL) is feeling much better now!  He should go home sometime tomorrow if everything looks okay, and he will just have to be out of work and wear a sling to keep him from displacing the pacer for a few weeks.

Thinking about it now, after all this time of not being able to figure out what the problem was, God knew what it was the whole time.  He knew that my dad would have to go through all those dizzy spells, all of those tests at the doctor's office, this ER visit and admission to the hospital, to pin point what needed to be done.  He guided the surgeon's hands to correctly place the pacemaker that would fix the problem.  Even when we have no clue what is wrong or what to do, God does.  This leads me back to my motto: "I can't, but God can".  We can't see His ultimate plan, but He can, and that's all that matters.

To add to the stress level, I had a mini freak-out after my appointment with Dr T this morning.  (I know, shame on me, but I'm only human! lol)  My lining measured at 6.1mm, whereas it was 7.2mm just two days ago.  Um, hello?! That's the wrong direction!  The u/s tech and nurse didn't seem alarmed, though, and told me Dr T would look at my labs results and be calling me later with orders.  I went ahead and made an appointment for Monday morning, and I left feeling a little down because things were going so well!  What if things got cancelled...AGAIN?

After a few minutes of moping, I suddenly felt ashamed of myself.  What happened to trusting 100% in God's plan?? This, too, was a part of His plan, and something that He was totally in control of.  I started praying that God forgive me for my momentary lapse of sanity (lol) and that He would continue His work in me, even if that meant a slight set-back.  Again, I quoted my new motto: "I can't, but YOU can, Lord".  I went off to work, vowing to leave all my worries at God's feet and my future in His hands.

I got the call from Denese around lunchtime...with great news!  Dr T was not at all concerned about the measurement of my lining, since it still looked "plush" and thick, and my estrogen level was perfect.  Although he adjusted my medication a little (I add another Estrogen pill to the mix, making 8mg), he said I didn't have to come back in Monday and everything was a go for next Thursday's transfer!  Oh man, that was music to my ears!  I had to take a second and praise the Lord for His awesomeness!  God is SOOO good!

So, even after all of the "issues" of the last two days, I've found this to be absolutely, without a doubt, 100% true, 100% of the time: "I can't, but God can".  Repeat that to yourself when you're in a tough situation, when you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, when things get a little stressful, or when you just need a reminder that God is in control...I promise, you won't be disappointed! ;)

The Daily Happenings

Why hello again!  Fancy meeting you here! ;)  Ready for the rundown of today's happenings?  Not too much too tell, but here it goes:

My lining is at 7.2mm today, so only a growth of 0.2mm since Monday.  Not great, but it's in the right direction, so I'll take it!  I have to increase my dose of Estradiol to three tablets a day, or 6mg.  I'll take three pills today and tomorrow (one in the morning and then two at night), and then just one on Friday morning before my 7am appointment.  The Lupron dose is still 5 units for now.

My TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone) has gone up from 2.1 to 5.1, which was a little shocking, because the medicine had been controlling it so well.  But Dr T isn't concerned because the hormones I'm taking right now can raise it (he said it will continue to go up once I'm pregnant, too), so he just doubled the dose of my medication for now (50mcg of Synthroid) and we will recheck it in a few weeks.  In case you're curious, an under-active thyroid can effect a woman's ovulation, so I started medication right away when Dr T noticed my levels were borderline high in January.  Even though we're doing the FET, so ovulation isn't an issue, there are still side effects of high TSH levels (exhaustion, balding, weight gain, hot flashes...no thank you!), so he likes to keep it under control.

Ba-deep, ba-deep, ba-deep, that's all folks!  (Hahaha...sorry, that was corny, I know.  But admit it---you know you cracked a smile!)  Please keep those prayers coming!  Even though it seems like nothing much is happening, I know God is continuing to work on His masterpiece, and I can't wait to see the finished product(s)! :)

Update and a Confession

Time for another update from my appointment yesterday!

I had to be there at 8am this time (due to the holiday office hours), so I figured being ten minutes early would give me a good advantage.  Boy, was I wrong!  There were nine cars already in the parking lot when I got there, and the waiting room was standing room only!  Luckily, they're very efficient there, so it only took about twenty minutes or so for me to be taken back.

Dr T actually did my u/s this time, and he very pleased to see my lining has grown to 7mm.  Way to go, uterus!  (In case you don't remember, the goal is 10-13mm.)  My estrogen level "looked good" (per Denese, the nurse), so I took my usual 5 units of Lupron and 2mg of Estradiol last night and will repeat it again tonight.  He said based on tomorrow's labs and u/s, we might increase the dose of the Estradiol to 4mg, just to give my lining an extra boost.  So, tomorrow, I have to be there at 7am...I'm thinking maybe I should camp out in the car the night before my appointments.  Whatcha think? ;)

In other news, I got to meet my new OB/GYN today!  (This was only my second of four appointments to have my va-jay "probed" this week...man, oh man, are my lady parts gonna be maaaaad at me! lol) Anyway, we will call him Dr S, and I think this one is going to work!  He's very friendly (but not too friendly), answered all my questions, and didn't stand there with the door open while talking to me (yes, I've had this experience...that is why I'm changing doctors!)...sounds like a winner to me!

So, for today's appointment, he got a little history from me, did the usual exam (ouchie-wah-wah), and then said he can't wait to see me in hopefully just a few months for my prenatal exam!  Eek---just the thought of me actually being pregnant makes me smile! :)

Well, that's it in the way of doctor's appointments (until tomorrow, that is).  Just one more tidbit I'd like to discuss...or confess, lol.

(Now please, before proceeding, remember that I usually am a very sane, compassionate, mild-tempered person.  But lately...)

I am having mood swings.  Yes, mood swings.  MUTANT mood swings, to be more precise.  I feel like I'm either going through menopause or my ninth month of pregnancy--not sure which, but neither are fun!  Dr T and Dr S have both assured me that this is completely normal because of the hormones I am taking every day and the changes going on in my body.  But let me tell you, I feel like I'm going nuts!  If I'm not feeling anxious (about nothing in particular), I'm wanting to cry (again, about nothing).  One minute I'm happy-go-lucky and the next I want to pinch someone's head off (anyone, it doesn't really matter who).  If I'm not extremely tired, I'm jittery.  I'm starving all the time, but then my stomach gets upset.  I can't sleep very well, which doesn't help any of this.  O. M. G. These hormones are no joke! LOL

But on a lighter note, you want to know what's getting me through all these crazy side effects?? Remembering that in just eight days, we will be sitting in Dr T's office, looking at our beautiful embies, counting down the minutes, not days, until they will transfer them back "home"!  That makes this whole journey so worth it...yes, even the mood swings! ;)

Yesterday's Appointment

Sorry, guys!  I am a day late on updating you all on yesterday's appointment with Dr T---how horrible am I?? ;)

I had to be there at 7am (yuck).  They open at this time, and us IVF-ers have to go for our routine u/s and blood work between 7-9am.  I have learned through trial and error that waiting until 7:30 or 8 is a bad idea, so I just suck it up and get there no later than 6:50am so I can wait in line at the door like the other ladies who have learned their lesson (yes, there is a line!).  Luckily, I was the first person there and got in lickady-quick!  Woohoo!

Ruthie (one of the super sweet medical assistants) drew my estradiol level and a blood pregnancy test (of course, it was negative, but juuuuuust in case ;) ), and then I moved on the u/s room.  This u/s was a lot easier because they were only looking at my uterine lining (I thought they'd look at my ovaries, but the nurse said that's not necessary at this point), so it was literally a thirty-second exam.  Needless to say, my lady parts were thankful for the brevity of the situation, lol.

So, my lining is currently 5mm thick, which is expected for this stage in the game (and since I am---TMI alert---being visited my Aunt Flo).  It should grow to 10-13mm thick by the time of the transfer, so I was told to start my Estradiol pills (2mg) last night along with my usual 5 units of Lupron (shot).  I will take this combo Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night and then be seen again in the office at 8am Monday morning (due to the holiday, there's only one time we can be seen)!  Praying for a good report! :)

Now, time for some football with the hubs and a few friends!  I hope everyone has a safe and fun Labor Day weekend!