Today was the first day since we decided to go ahead with IVF that I have broken down and cried. I hate to admit it, but after my appointment this morning, I allowed doubt to get the better of me and asked my husband, "What if this doesn't work? What if we have to cancel the whole cycle?" After I asked this, and after shedding a few tears, I remembered that God doesn't always promise for things to be easy (that's why these trying times are called "trials"...duh, Jayme), but He does promise to see us through each trial, and to be with us every step of the way.
On the way home, I said this prayer: "Lord, I don't know what You have in store for me. I don't know if this will lead to a baby. But I do know that You have put me here for a reason, and I am going to remain faithful and trust that You will see Your amazing plan through to the end. Forgive me for doubting You, and forgive me wanting MY will over Yours. Continue to use me and I will continue to give You all the glory. Amen." And wouldn't you know, I felt another wave of peace wash over me as soon as I was finished praying. 1 Peter 5:7 says, "Cast all your anxieties upon Him, for He cares for you." When we do this, when we lay all of our burdens at His feet, God takes our anxieties and replaces them with peace, hope, and joy...talk about a loving Father!
I probably should back up a little and tell you what happened at my appointment, huh? Sorry 'bout that!
My wonderful "future baby daddy" went with my today since I am unable to comfortably sit in the driver's seat, and also because he wanted to be there to hear the progress of our future babies. As soon as Dr T came in and started the u/s (which, in case I never mentioned it, is always a transvaginal...ouch), he started throwing out numbers. Now, I'm used to hearing a lot of numbers, especially since this IVF cycle began. But this time, instead of "multiple 10mm's" or "one 13mm", we hear "14, 15, 14, 15, 12, 13, 12, 14, 15, 16...." and this goes on and on. Then he switched to the other side and I realized that was only from the RIGHT OVARY! Yikes! (Dr T then says "Write small, Denice"---the nurse, who was jotting down the measurements---which I thought was quite funny. ) As he moved to the left ovary, the numbers continued. In the end, I believe he called out over 25 measurements (my husband said he lost count on the right ovary, lol). That means that all my follicles are still growing! Eek!
At first, I was ecstatic, because Dr T said he wants my follies to be at least 17mm (I was a little off when I said 18mm in a previous post--my bad), and so we're almost there! But then things got a little more serious and he started talking about the chance of things worsening as all of the eggs hit maturity, and he mentioned possibly having to cancel the cycle if I do develop moderate-severe OHSS. Of course, my heart sank. I always knew it was a possibility (and maybe it was the hormones I've been injecting myself with making me more emotional), but it just hit me that this cycle could really end early with just a bunch of frozen eggs. (He would remove the eggs, freeze them, and fertilize/transfer them after my levels all returned to normal, which would be in a whole different cycle.) I didn't say a whole lot after this and just nodded, until we got to the car and I had my mini breakdown.
My husband, of course, was very supportive. He said Dr T has to make sure we are aware of all possible outcomes, but that it isn't a definite decision. We would just have to wait for the estradiol levels to come back and see what he wanted to do from there. (My hubby is always so calm, whereas I'm a total spaz sometimes...that's one of the reasons why I love him! :) ) So we went home, I talked to my awesome mom and MIL, and I waited for the call with my orders.
Well, my levels came back at 3889, more than double what it was on Wednesday! Holy schnikies! But the nurse didn't seem concerned, and said that Dr T was actually doubling my dose of Menopur (to two vials), keeping my Lupron the same, and adding Femara (2.5mg---a pill) to help lower my estradiol levels while still allowing the follies to mature. I will do this tonight and tomorrow night and then return to the office at 8am Sunday morning for another look. Dr T said he should have a more definite decision based on Sunday's results.
So, now you're all caught up! It's been an emotional day, to say the least. Things aren't going exactly accordingly to schedule, but do they ever really?? I just have to put all of my goals and hopes for this cycle out of my head, focus on God's will instead, and take things day by day. And through this all, I have to remember that God isn't finished with me yet...He's just beginning!
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