I miiiiight have broken down and POAS during my TWW. Yes, I know, I said I wouldn't! I promise, wasn't planning on testing, but I just felt such a strong urge to pee on that stick! It's an addiction, I swear! lol
I did this horrible act the Tuesday following the transfer, so only 5dp5dt (or 10dpo)...VERY early. I knew that there was a possibility of the test being positive, but I honestly didn't think it would be positive. Well...
Can you see those lines??? They're faint, but they're there! And they popped up within one minute, too! I have never in my life seen a positive test that I, myself, have peed on, so when I saw this, I was crying, shaking, praising the Lord---I was a hot mess!
My plan was that IF it was positive, I would share this secret ONLY with my husband...not only because it was a special moment, but also just in case something was to happen before the beta test. I quickly wrapped these tests up and put them in a gift bag, and then waited anxiously for him to come home.
When he did, I presented the bag to him and told him, "This is to say 'Thank you' for putting up with me during all of this infertility treatment...I know I'm not an easy person to deal with, so you deserve a gift!" With his eyes closed, he started to open the bag and unwrap the tests from their tissue wrapping paper. He felt of them and said, "Are they spoons??" Really?? Spoons, honey?? lol He then proceeded to take off the top of one (the area where you actually pee on the stick itself), and I yelled, "No!! Don't do that!" So then he started thinking it was a scapel because I wouldn't let him touch it...honestly, I've never gotten him silverware or sharp objects as gifts, so I have no earthly idea what gave him that idea this time! But once he opened his eyes and saw those tests...(sigh) that's a moment I'll never forget. The look on his face was priceless. He said, "It's positive?? You're pregnant?? There's two of them...twins??" (Only my husband...LOL.)
The next few minutes we spent looking at the tests, smiling like crazy people, crying, talking about how we couldn't believe it, praying and thanking God for this blessing. (I have to be honest: even though this cycle ended the way it did, I wouldn't trade those precious moments spent with him for anything in the world.)
And so began my next obsession...does the line get darker?! (For those of you who are confused by this, let me explain. Some people believe if the line of a HPT gets darker, that means more HCG is being secreted, which means your levels are rising. This is a GOOD thing. So, of course, I wanted to see those nice dark lines!!) My husband begged me not to POAS again until that Thursday (two days later), so the HCG would have time to double, so I obliged. That morning, I got up with him and we got to watch the test turn positive together (in less than thirty seconds)...and the line was darker! Not quite as dark as the control line, but it was definitely darker than the previous test! Here's that picture:
I'll tell ya, that's a beautiful sight! For the next few days, I POAS every morning. Friday and Saturday's tests looked just like Thursday's, which made me feel at least a little better about the cramping/spotting, because I thought maybe the babies were just getting more cozy. Sunday, I had ran out of First Response tests, so I used a Dollar Tree cheapie. It also gave me a line, but I didn't have another test that was the same brand to compare it to. But, as we say in the TTC-world, "a line was a line", so I was at least content for the day. Of course, I had to go pick up some more First Responses to use the next day...I wanted a nice, dark line to compare to the others so I could anticipate a nice, high beta number Monday morning!
Well, Monday morning came, and I was so excited to POAS and see that beautiful dark line, that I got up at about 3am. I snuck into the bathroom with my test and did what I had to do, then set the timer on my phone. A minute went by and I didn't see a line...at a minute, thirty seconds, I saw a faint line starting to appear. I thought, "Oh, it's just starting slow this morning...but it'll darken." It never did. After about five minutes, I started to be disheartened. At ten minutes (the max time allotted to read a HPT), I took this picture:
See how the top test is almost lighter than the bottom? I knew in my heart this wasn't a good thing...but I was determined to continue to trust in the Lord's plan! So I tried to rest a little more (unsuccessfully), then got dressed, went on to my appointment, and then went on about my day while I awaited my phone call.
I prayed constantly that morning that God would do a miracle. That He would prove the tests wrong and give me a great first beta number. When the call came in, and the nurse told me my level was "only 23", I knew what was happening. But I couldn't give up, couldn't let Satan get me down, so I kept praying for God's perfect plan and for His amazing, constant peace.
The next two days I didn't POAS. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't stand the thought of seeing that one single line and knowing it was over. So I waited for the second beta to confirm what I already knew in my heart; what God had already been preparing me for.
Now, I know you may be disappointed in me...I'm sorry, guys! I wanted so badly to have that special moment to share with just my husband, and I'm glad we did. I'm so blessed to have been able to see those two lines, to know that God was working His miracle through me, and to feel what it's like to carry a life within you...even if for just a week.
I haven't confessed this secret until now because, honestly, I didn't want to look at those tests for the first few days after we found out the pregnancy had ended. They're still in a box in my bathroom drawer, right where I left them after taking that last test. But after some thought, I decided that I wanted to share this special (although brief) moment in our lives with all of you...my friends, family, and "blog family". So, there ya go! Admire those lines, praise God for His awesomeness, and please continue praying that one day those lines will turn into so much more!
P.S. In case you're wondering...the next cycle, I will not---repeat NOT---POAS that early, if at all!!! ;)
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