The mood swings are back, people. Ugh. I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm annoyed, I'm excited...I'm just one big, jacked-up emotional mess over here! lol But we're allowed to have an off day every now and then, right?? Right?? That's what I thought. ;)
So, what's been triggering my moodiness? To be honest, there's no tellin' anymore! lol Usually it comes and goes quickly, but there has been one thing that's been on my mind all day...so I figured I'd share it with you guys in hopes that it'll clear out the sadness and make that horrible pre-cry prickly feeling in my nose that's been there all day go away! Thanks in advance for "listening", y'all!
Today, I've been thinking about (what else) babies. I know, that's a little vague, and babies ALWAYS make me cry, so what's new, right?? To be more specific, I've been thinking about this (possible) pregnancy, how much it truly means to us, and how our views on parenthood has really evolved over the last few years. Let me explain.
Growing up (and actually right before getting married), I used to think I wanted to wait to have babies. I wanted to travel with my husband, establish our home, enjoy time with our friends, maybe occasionally entertain their kids, and then eventually have some of our own. I also had a skewed view on motherhood...I wanted the joys of pregnancy (the cute little belly, the chic maternity clothes, the showers), but not the more "unattractive" parts (the stretch marks, the vomiting, the overall body changes, and the actual delivery). I wanted to experience the fun of having an infant (dressing them up, rocking them to sleep, holding their little hands), but not the other experiences that comes later in motherhood (the "Terrible Twos", the never-ending messes, the school projects, and the teenage years). To be honest, I just wasn't ready at the time.
My husband and I started TTC way sooner than initially discussed, mainly because we weren't getting any younger (he was twenty-nine and I was almost twenty-six) and we wanted to be able to enjoy our kids before it was time for walkers and wheelchairs (that's him talking, not me, lol). We had only been married eleven months, whereas our "plan" had been to wait for three to five years. Although we were bumping up the plan a bit, we were in no way ready for actual parenthood. My husband was, of course, scared to death to think about becoming a father, and I was still anticipating all of the "good stuff" mentioned above, without actually be prepared for the other stuff that comes along with being a parent. I figured we had nine months to prepare right?? Ha. Little did we know that this would be a looooong journey in which we would learn a lot about each other, ourselves, our faith, our marriage, and what it actually means to be a parent.
Through these last two (plus) years, my husband has definitely warmed up to the idea of someone calling him "Daddy", of someone being truly dependent on him for a good portion of their lives, and of someone he can nurture and mold into a respectable individual. He no longer thinks solely about the responsibilities of being a dad, but also about the joy it will bring into his life. He's eager to learn how to do the routine "baby stuff" (like feeding and burping an infant), teach them things, play soccer with them, watch them get excited over their first Christmas, and (as he told me today) "embarrass them when they're teenagers". He's changed a lot, and I can honestly say he's "ready". Maybe I'm a little biased, but I think he'll make an AMAZING father.
I, too, have changed a lot. I have learned that I want so much more than just the good stuff. I want the sleep deprivation, the messy diapers, the task of searching for the perfect daycare, going school-clothes shopping, packing lunches every day, tucking them into bed, wiping their snotty little noses, grounding them "for life", picking out prom dresses, and eventually picking out a wedding dress. I want the good along with the bad; I want the joys and the sorrows. I want the proud moments along with the disappointing ones; the smiles and the tears. I want the whole package. I want to be a mommy more than anything in this world, and I pray with all my heart that God blesses me with the opportunity one day.
Ok, that's all. Sadness over. I don't know about you, but I've had enough crying for one day! Thanks for letting me get that off my chest; you guys are the best listeners EV-ER! Now, tomorrow, I promise to be more upbeat and chipper! I'd better be, because tomorrow is my twenty-eighth birthday! Bet you can't guess what I'll be wishing for when I blow out those candles! ;)
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