This morning, as I was getting ready for church, I was (once again) overcome by feelings of joy, peace, love, and the knowledge that God is in complete control of my life. I got to thinking about how burdened I felt earlier this year, and how God managed to totally change my heart, mind, and attitude in such a short period of time...actually, during a single church service! I realized that I never really described the events that brought about this change, this sprouting of my faith from a tiny seed, so I couldn't wait to share that with you all!
As I mentioned in one of my first posts, around the time we started seeing Dr T, I was praying often for God's will to be done, and saying that I trusted Him. However, I wasn't giving Him 100% of my trust, nor was I accepting that what He was already doing in my life was His good and perfect will--a life plan that He specifically made me many, many years ago! I was just going along, thinking everything was going to work out the way I wanted it to...you know, since I was being a good Christian and praying about it. Boy, did I get a wake-up call!
This wake-up call came on Friday, April 13th. That was the day our third IUI was cancelled due to poor egg response. This was also the same day that I learned my husband's morphology was very low and our only chance at having a baby might be IVF. When the nurse, Kim, told me all that info, I couldn't help but start to cry. I was thinking, "Just make it to the car and you can let it all out there...", but of course, after taking all of those hormones to grow my follies, I was on the verge on crying any second anyway! Kim said Dr T was out of the office until Monday, but that I could come back in and talk to him about our options, so I numbly made the appointment and retreated to my car all red-nosed and puffy-eyed. As I sat there in my car, bawling my eyes out, all I could think was "IVF can't be our last option. It's expensive. It's time consuming. It's risky. We shouldn't have to go that far...things should have worked by now. God, why haven't You made it work by now??" I was angry at God for making me go through all this treatment, getting our hopes up, and for what? For nothing. At least, this is what I was thinking at the time...I know, shame on me!
I called my mother-in-law on the way home right after my appointment. My parents (down in FL) were working, my husband was working, my friends were all in school or work...I needed someone to talk to, and my sweet MIL always seems to know what to say to brighten my day! She was already aware of the situation and knew I had an appointment that day, so when I called crying, she told me to come straight over and we could talk. I laid it all out for her once I got there, crying like a baby the whole time. I told her I didn't know why God gives some people babies that don't even want them, and then I can't even have one when I want one so very badly--it just wasn't fair! She listened to me and calmed me down, telling me that God had gotten us this far, and that if IVF was what we had to do, then we'd do it. End of story. Man, she's so wise. ;) I felt better just talking to her, and was able to calmly discuss it with my husband later that night. We both decided that we would pray about it over the weekend and talk to Dr T on Monday.
I went to church that Sunday. My husband was on call at work, and although I didn't really feel like going to church when all that was on my mind was this IVF debacle, I really needed to talk to God about how I was feeling.
I had only been to this church a handful of times, but was really enjoying the pastor's preaching style and the worship was amazing. On this particular Sunday, the worship team lifted my spirits with the songs they chose, and I could feel God was working on my heart. Then Pastor Jay started preaching a sermon called "Defeating Your Giants". It was about David and Goliath and how David trusted in God to help him defeat this huge giant, even though the odds were against him. During the service, my MIL kept looking at me and she could tell I was following his every word, soaking up this message that was clearly from God, directed right at lil ole me!
Once the sermon was over, Pastor Jay asked for those struggling to defeat their giants to come up for prayer. My MIL asked me if I would like to go, and although I usually would just pray in my seat, I felt like God was drawing me to the alter. I can't remember the Children's Pastor's name, but he was the one who met me and asked what my need was. I poured my heart out, and then he led me in one of the most heartfelt prayers I have ever heard. This man didn't know me from Adam, but he prayed for me as though I was family, and as though my need was the most important thing on God's To-Do List. He told God that He had put me in this place in my life, only He understood my pain, only He knew what I was going through, and only He could heal this pain. He prayed for God to bless my husband and I, for us to be the parents we desire to be, and for Him to move in my life.
It was, in a word, life-changing. (Well, that technically is two words...but whatever. lol)
During the prayer, my husband's aunt (who is on the prayer team) came over to lay hands on me and pray, too. She didn't know and didn't ask what my need was, and she couldn't even hear what the man was praying about, but she lifted me up to the Lord the best she knew how. I don't know if she knows how much that meant to me, especially on that day when I was so in need of prayer...so Aunt Linda, thank you!
After the service, I felt like a new person. It was like my heart had been opened and the Lord had filled it to the brim with love, peace, and grace! I felt infinitely better having talked to God, laying all my burdens at His feet, and listening to what He had to tell me. I knew then that God was putting my husband and I through this battle for a reason, and that reason was to serve Him. Even though I didn't know what lied ahead, I was going to trust God wholeheartedly and let Him have His way in my life. Later that day, the Lord placed it on my heart that I should tell other people about what we've been through, how He is blessing us through infertility, and how my faith (starting out as small as a mustard seed) is aiding me to use this trial for His glory...and tadah! This blog was started about a week later!
It's amazing to look back and reflect on how much God has grown my faith through all of this. He knew starting out that all those months of trying, all of those pills, ultrasounds, and negative tests, would break me down to the point where I desperately needed to seek His guidance. He was just waiting for me to cry out to Him, to realize that I can't do it alone, and for me to give every part of me to Him. And what's even more amazing is that through all of my questioning God's plan, He stood right there, with open arms, loving me unconditionally. That is the God we serve...how lucky are we??!
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